I have to remember to blog and go the the proper authorities when something is wrong. I lose my gumption SO OFTEN. Every trip to a Dr. or hospital is a trip to GERM LAND. Do I want Ebola or something??? HELL NO! WHY do you think I am such a homebody? PARTIALLY because PEOPLE ARE GERM FACTORIES, DUH!!!! The deallies they use to check you out are not that sterile. THe stethoscope, the blood pressure cuff... NOT sterile. The thinggie they put on your finger I have yet to see get wiped down first. The exam table is barely wiped and not thoroughly. They need to hire ONLY OCD people for housekeeping. I trust NOTHING to be germ free. NOTHING.
I will wear a MASK and glove up every time. I do not care WHAT people think. I don't like the son of a bitches ANYWAY. I need to carry a bottle of rubbing alcohol with me and sterile gauze and wipe shit down MYSELF.
I hope I can just remember to blog. I am so easily distracted and it is so difficult.
THIS IS MY JOURNAL. My RECORD of EVENTS and thoughts. My KEYBOARD IS STERILE until I pick my nose and type.
Monday, October 6, 2014
DENIED (SSI). fuuuhhhhcccckkkkkkk.
Well, after applying for SSI a few times and being DENIED, I appealed. FINALLY a few years later, I got a hearing.
3 months later, I got my letter saying that my appeal was DENIED. As I read the denial, I just want to die so bad. I am worn out from the struggles.
Here's the thing. THESE PEOPLE DO NOT LIVE WITH ME. If they did, there would be zero deliberation and I would get awarded SSI. I have ZERO doubt.
I do have to say that I really felt that the judge was very thorough and as fair as she knew to be and did an excellent job (But she doesn't know me or deal with me daily), EXCEPT she said that there were inconsistencies in my statement that I don't smoke or drink? WTF???? .... I DO NOT SMOKE AT ALL- EVER and I do not drink as a rule- I MIGHT have 1, no more than 2 every 6 months to a year, and only then if there is something I am at (that I usually find a way not to go to) that has a celebratory toast going on. I hate the way drinking more that 1-2 makes me feel, which is also why I DO NOT LIKE TO TAKE DRUGS. Not even the prescribed stuff. A FEW is okay and it helps me cope and calm if I have to be around a big crowd. Even in a crowd I try to hide. Taking an edge off is fine, but I cannot handle being DRUNK. ICK.
Soooooo..... I dunno where she derived that my not smoking or drinking was inconsistent.
I was going to appeal, but I cannot get an attorney to handle the appeal, so I let the appeal period run out and then I start over and re-apply. Hell, it's already been 5 plus years all in all, what's 3 more gonna matter?
Income would be nice... I have no car and there is no public transportation here, and I don't wanna take it anyway. Fucking PEOPLE would be there. The struggle to SURVIVE sucks balls and I am soooooo sick of it (which is why I get suicidal- Shit seems so BLEAK and suicide is an END to the pain and struggle and exhaustion- My only fear is that I would screw it up and end up a vegetable and wish I were dead).
I DISLIKE PEOPLE AND CROWDS in a geographical sense.
I will put off a trip to the grocery store even, as long as I possibly can! Facebook is my safe haven where I can be “sociable” (speaking truth to the dumb asses and keeping the rest entertained to some degree) and not have to leave my room. I feel safe IN MY ROOM!
If I am still alive by the time the final decision comes next time I BETTER FUCKING BE APPROVED.
3 months later, I got my letter saying that my appeal was DENIED. As I read the denial, I just want to die so bad. I am worn out from the struggles.
Here's the thing. THESE PEOPLE DO NOT LIVE WITH ME. If they did, there would be zero deliberation and I would get awarded SSI. I have ZERO doubt.
I do have to say that I really felt that the judge was very thorough and as fair as she knew to be and did an excellent job (But she doesn't know me or deal with me daily), EXCEPT she said that there were inconsistencies in my statement that I don't smoke or drink? WTF???? .... I DO NOT SMOKE AT ALL- EVER and I do not drink as a rule- I MIGHT have 1, no more than 2 every 6 months to a year, and only then if there is something I am at (that I usually find a way not to go to) that has a celebratory toast going on. I hate the way drinking more that 1-2 makes me feel, which is also why I DO NOT LIKE TO TAKE DRUGS. Not even the prescribed stuff. A FEW is okay and it helps me cope and calm if I have to be around a big crowd. Even in a crowd I try to hide. Taking an edge off is fine, but I cannot handle being DRUNK. ICK.
Soooooo..... I dunno where she derived that my not smoking or drinking was inconsistent.
I was going to appeal, but I cannot get an attorney to handle the appeal, so I let the appeal period run out and then I start over and re-apply. Hell, it's already been 5 plus years all in all, what's 3 more gonna matter?
Income would be nice... I have no car and there is no public transportation here, and I don't wanna take it anyway. Fucking PEOPLE would be there. The struggle to SURVIVE sucks balls and I am soooooo sick of it (which is why I get suicidal- Shit seems so BLEAK and suicide is an END to the pain and struggle and exhaustion- My only fear is that I would screw it up and end up a vegetable and wish I were dead).
Basically, the denial is about me not running to the Dr. every time I should have and about me fighting the ailments and trying to stay as good as I can and do my best to fight to function, both mentally and physically. THEY DO NOT KNOW ALL THE TIMES I SHUT DOWN, GOT SUICIDAL OR SUFFERED IN SILENCE.My dad is an old cowboy. WE WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO GET MEDICAL CARE unless we were really bad off. WE TOUGHED IT OUT, “BY GOD”. I feel guilt over seeing Dr.’s as a result! I guess every time I have anything I need to call a damn ambulance. I had a broken back as a baby (from a horse accident) and they DID NOT get me proper medical care because "They KNEW I would be okay once I healed" - SEE THIS SHIT IS INSTILLED IN ME... You can bet your sweet bippy that is about to CHANGE right quick.
I just always believed that trips to the emergency room are a waste of funding and I try not to abuse the system because I cherish having insurance and I don't want to take advantage and I don't want to waste but basically they force you to.
Next, because I am "social" on Facebook (usually just pissing people off there with TRUTH), I was basically judged to not be anti-social, which is bullshit.I DISLIKE PEOPLE AND CROWDS in a geographical sense.
I will put off a trip to the grocery store even, as long as I possibly can! Facebook is my safe haven where I can be “sociable” (speaking truth to the dumb asses and keeping the rest entertained to some degree) and not have to leave my room. I feel safe IN MY ROOM!
If I am still alive by the time the final decision comes next time I BETTER FUCKING BE APPROVED.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS...
I actually WROTE THIS in mid MAY, 2014- I forgot to "publish it". SINCE I wrote this, I have moved again- in with a friend in the Verde Valley. It's MUCH BETTER here. I still am totally avoidant. She understands and is very kind to allow me to remain in my room and not make me interact.
After years of not having them in a huge way, I've been having BIG panic attacks again.
The doctor says they're brought on by stress, but I didn't feel like I was under particular stress. However, after I really thought about it, and since I've got OCD and I'm a freak about things not being out of place, being in a little room (I'm very thankful for), the rest of my things being in a the storage unit, and I having PTSD, it makes sense. I think it all ties in with the panic attacks... The not feeling settled, the not being in my own house, the messy clutter that is perfectly normal for most people with 4 dogs and a teenaged boy in the home, the sharing a bathroom with 2 guys...
It wouldn't have that kind of effect it has on me and most people but sometimes it gets overwhelming. This is why I think sometimes I should be on tranquilizers, lol. I just don't like to take drugs.
Also I have moved a lot and fled being a hostage in TX. I am without income or much of a HOME and I am DEPRESSED AS FUQ. I also found out that my oldest sister I barely know is in a mental institution. It breaks my heart for her- I wonder if maybe she is happy there though. I can't contact her I guess, I dunno. I might be happy if I was in a place where I belonged but could stay in my own little space and be left alone. I reach out ONLY electronically and I not in person. I would hope to be able to access internet, but the safe haven of WALLS and doors that lock would be groovy.
I need me some ZEN.
After years of not having them in a huge way, I've been having BIG panic attacks again.
The doctor says they're brought on by stress, but I didn't feel like I was under particular stress. However, after I really thought about it, and since I've got OCD and I'm a freak about things not being out of place, being in a little room (I'm very thankful for), the rest of my things being in a the storage unit, and I having PTSD, it makes sense. I think it all ties in with the panic attacks... The not feeling settled, the not being in my own house, the messy clutter that is perfectly normal for most people with 4 dogs and a teenaged boy in the home, the sharing a bathroom with 2 guys...
It wouldn't have that kind of effect it has on me and most people but sometimes it gets overwhelming. This is why I think sometimes I should be on tranquilizers, lol. I just don't like to take drugs.
Also I have moved a lot and fled being a hostage in TX. I am without income or much of a HOME and I am DEPRESSED AS FUQ. I also found out that my oldest sister I barely know is in a mental institution. It breaks my heart for her- I wonder if maybe she is happy there though. I can't contact her I guess, I dunno. I might be happy if I was in a place where I belonged but could stay in my own little space and be left alone. I reach out ONLY electronically and I not in person. I would hope to be able to access internet, but the safe haven of WALLS and doors that lock would be groovy.
I need me some ZEN.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)