I actually WROTE THIS in mid MAY, 2014- I forgot to "publish it". SINCE I wrote this, I have moved again- in with a friend in the Verde Valley. It's MUCH BETTER here. I still am totally avoidant. She understands and is very kind to allow me to remain in my room and not make me interact.
After years of not having them in a huge way, I've been having BIG panic attacks again.
The doctor says they're brought on by stress, but I didn't feel like I was under particular stress. However, after I really thought about it, and since I've got OCD and I'm a freak about things not being out of place, being in a little room (I'm very thankful for), the rest of my things being in a the storage unit, and I having PTSD, it makes sense. I think it all ties in with the panic attacks... The not feeling settled, the not being in my own house, the messy clutter that is perfectly normal for most people with 4 dogs and a teenaged boy in the home, the sharing a bathroom with 2 guys...
It wouldn't have that kind of effect it has on me and most people but sometimes it gets overwhelming. This is why I think sometimes I should be on tranquilizers, lol. I just don't like to take drugs.
Also I have moved a lot and fled being a hostage in TX. I am without income or much of a HOME and I am DEPRESSED AS FUQ. I also found out that my oldest sister I barely know is in a mental institution. It breaks my heart for her- I wonder if maybe she is happy there though. I can't contact her I guess, I dunno. I might be happy if I was in a place where I belonged but could stay in my own little space and be left alone. I reach out ONLY electronically and I not in person. I would hope to be able to access internet, but the safe haven of WALLS and doors that lock would be groovy.
I need me some ZEN.
